KenyaOnAShoeString

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The Things We Learned to Live Without

There are things we do not grieve, because we learned to live without them too early. Not because they were unimportant, but because the world rearranged itself in a way that made their absence feel normal. February asks us to speak about love loudly — romance, desire, grand gestures. But this is not that kind of piece. This is about something quieter and more foundational: our capacity for ordinary human closeness. The ease of speaking to a stranger. The courage to suggest coffee without pretext. The ability to sit in someone’s presence without agenda or performance. I think often about how entire generations adapt to the worlds they inherit. Not consciously. Not philosophically. We simply learn what is required, and shed what is not. When I watched a documentary about Hasidic Jewish communities in New York — particularly those who choose to leave — I was struck less by the act of leaving, and more by the origin of the structure they were leaving behind. After the Holocaust, survi...

On Love, Capacity, and the Parts of Us Shaped Too Early

February arrives every year carrying a very specific demand. To feel. To declare. To perform love loudly, convincingly, and on time. I do not often write about romantic love. Not because it does not matter, but because in this part of the world, love rarely announces itself the way February expects it to. It is quieter, more restrained, more practical. It is shaped early—by survival, by responsibility, by environments that teach us to endure before they teach us to feel. And yet, February insists. So this piece is for those who love differently, late, cautiously, or incompletely. For those who sense that something in them is capable of tenderness, but also know that life has already left its marks. For those who carry affection in unfamiliar forms. For those who recognize love not as a feeling they lack, but as a capacity that has been shaped—sometimes narrowed, sometimes sharpened—long before the person who might have needed it most ever arrived. This is not a celebration of roman...

What Kind of Basket Are We Carrying?

We are often told not to put all our eggs in one basket. The saying is usually offered as financial wisdom — diversify your income, your investments, your risks. But somewhere along the way, we did the opposite with our emotional lives. We consolidated. We placed our need for connection, understanding, intimacy, companionship, and belonging into fewer and fewer baskets, until in many cases, there was only one left. The romantic partner. The spouse. Sometimes the nuclear family. And everything else became secondary, suspect, or threatening. This did not happen accidentally. It happened as life became more fragmented. As communities dissolved. As adulthood became increasingly solitary. In the absence of inherited social structures, romantic relationships were asked to carry what entire villages, extended families, and friendships once held together. One basket began to do the work of many. At first, this felt efficient. Romantic love promised intensity, exclusivity, and meaning....

Even Lies Come Dressed in Effort Sometimes

There is a line I heard in a song that has been following me around: “But even lies come dressed in effort sometimes.” At first, I thought it was about other people — the obvious place to start. The relationships that felt convincing because someone tried. The situations that lasted longer than they should have because effort was being expended. But the longer the line stayed with me, the more it turned inward. Because the most exhausting lies are not always the ones we tell others. They are the ones we keep up with ourselves. There are versions of our lives that require constant upkeep. Narratives we repeat so often they begin to sound like truth. Not because they are, but because abandoning them would mean admitting something uncomfortable: that we settled, that we stayed too long, that we chose safety over honesty, or familiarity over alignment. Those admissions cost more than the effort of maintaining the lie. So we try. We show up. We perform consistency. We add small acts o...

Why Safe Men Make Soft Women

There’s a quiet truth most people don’t talk about: women don’t automatically “soften” because of femininity or personality. They soften because of safety. A woman who feels safe with a man — emotionally, mentally, physically, even financially — will express tenderness in ways that would never surface in an unsafe environment. Safety is Not About Money Alone When we hear safety, many people immediately think of financial provision. While stability is important, it is not the whole story. A man may have money but still be unsafe — if he is unpredictable, dismissive, or emotionally cruel. True safety is layered. Emotional safety : She knows she won’t be mocked for her feelings or silenced when she’s vulnerable. Mental safety : She can share her dreams, doubts, and even failures without fear of being belittled. Physical safety : She doesn’t live in fear of anger, violence, or intimidation. Financial safety : She is not forced to constantly carry the weight of survival alone....

A Man Without Peace, Money, and Confidence Will Take Yours

There’s a phrase I once stumbled upon: “A man without peace, money, and confidence will take yours.” At first, it sounded like one of those clever online snippets. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw its truth playing out in everyday life — in matatus , in relationships, in workplaces, and in families. The Man Without Peace Peace is not just the absence of war; it’s the ability to live with yourself without projecting your chaos onto others. A man who has no inner peace will disrupt yours. He will pick fights over small issues, stir unnecessary drama, and leave you feeling drained after every encounter. Think of the man who calls you ten times an hour, accusing you of things you haven’t done. Or the friend who is always restless, never content, constantly pulling you into his unresolved battles. His lack of stillness becomes your storm. The Man Without Money Money doesn’t define a person’s worth, but in its absence, especially where there is entitlement, it often be...

Why Do We Blame Women for Disloyalty but Excuse Men’s Pursuit?

Chris Brown’s song Loyal is catchy, no doubt. But listen closely to the lyrics: “When a rich man wants you, and your man can’t do nothing for you… these hoes ain’t loyal.” The entire weight of betrayal is dumped on the woman. The man who knowingly chases someone else’s partner? He is invisible, blameless, even glorified. This narrative isn’t confined to music — it mirrors society. The Invisible Man, the Visible Woman Think about it: a man pursues a married woman, or a man flirts with someone in a relationship. When the story breaks, the woman is branded “unfaithful,” “cheap,” “disloyal.” Yet the man is rarely dragged into the spotlight. He is excused as “just being a man,” or worse, admired for his boldness. In Kenya , scandals play out the same way. Side chicks become national gossip. Their faces and names are plastered everywhere. But the married men who approached them, funded them, or promised them the world? Their reputations remain intact. The blame is not shared. It is ske...

Testing the Waters: The Carrots We Chase in Work, Love, and Life

A boss promises you a raise once the project succeeds. A partner hints that if you stay patient a little longer, the relationship might “finally move forward.” Politicians campaign on the promise of jobs, better healthcare, or free education—but only after you elect them, again. We live in a society of endless carrots dangled before us, and we, like donkeys, keep moving forward—hoping this time, the promise will be delivered. But is this way of living sustainable, or are we caught in a cycle where we are always testing the waters and rarely diving in? At Work: The Corporate Carrot In Kenya , this practice is almost institutionalized. Employers dangle promotions, salaries, and opportunities with the familiar line: “Just give it time, prove yourself, then we’ll see.” Internships and probationary contracts are prime examples. Some companies keep interns for years, paying a pittance under the guise of “exposure” or “experience.” A graduate earning KSh 15,000 is promised a salary bum...

The Thief of Focus: How Distraction Is Being Engineered Into Our Lives

You are not as scattered as you think. You are living in a world that is deliberately designed to fracture your focus. From the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep, someone—or something—is trying to steal your attention. It’s not just on your phone. It’s in your workplace, your routines, even your efforts to rest or heal. This is not about personal failure. It’s about engineered distraction —systems built to keep us overstimulated, disconnected, and always wanting more. Let’s take a closer look at how this happens across different aspects of modern life—and what it really costs us. 1. The Internet: Where Attention Becomes Currency We often think of distraction online as a weakness—our fault for clicking too much, scrolling too long. But online spaces are designed to hijack your focus. The Architecture of Distraction Infinite scroll wasn’t invented for convenience—it was created to remove natural stopping points. Auto-play forces your hand before your brain has time...

What Old Money Can Teach Us About Love: Choosing the Right Partner in a Modern, Mismatched World

In a society obsessed with appearances, many people end up with the wrong partners just to seem progressive, open-minded, or in love. We want to be seen as evolved enough to date outside our tribe, class, or beliefs—but we rarely stop to ask: are we truly compatible, or are we trying to prove a point? Old money families—across the world and in Kenya—have long followed a different script. Their rules might seem elitist on the surface, but beneath the surface is a web of practical, time-tested lessons about compatibility, stability, and legacy. It’s time to ask: what do they know that the rest of us ignore? Part I: The Stages of Getting to Know Someone Let’s be honest: most relationships today skip critical steps. Here’s how it should look: Observation Stage (No expectations) This is where you allow yourself to quietly watch without engaging emotionally. You learn a lot by seeing how someone treats waitstaff, how they talk about people who wronged them, or how they manage stress. In Keny...

Love Needs to Be Disaggregated

Africa is not a country. Love is not one thing. Africa is not a country. We’ve heard this phrase used to challenge oversimplified narratives — to remind us that the continent is vast, layered, and irreducibly complex. The same, I believe, applies to love . In many homes and relationships across Kenya, “love” is treated like a catch-all. “My mum loves me. She paid my school fees.” “My dad loves us. He built the house.” “My partner loves me. They send money.” These statements are often shared with pride, and sometimes with pain — an attempt to make sense of affection that felt either too conditional, too distant, or too one-sided. But provision is not presence . Obedience is not connection . And saying “I love you” is not the same as showing up in ways that meet a person’s emotional needs. What we often call love in our culture is vague, generic, and sometimes hollow. To truly heal, connect, and grow, we must learn to name love differently — in the language of care , ...

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