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Who Owes What to Whom? Rewriting the Rules of Romance in Modern Kenya

When Ivy Wangechi, a promising medical student, was murdered in broad daylight by a man believed to be pursuing her romantically, the country erupted in grief—and then quickly fractured into two camps.

One side mourned her death and labeled it femicide. The other asked:
“But wasn’t he supporting her financially? Shouldn’t she have made her intentions clear?”

This question wasn’t new. It’s the same tired refrain echoed every time a woman is killed after rejecting a man:

“She took his money.”

“She was leading him on.”

“He was hurt.”

But behind the horror and hashtags lies a bigger, more complex truth: We don’t know how to date anymore.
We don’t know how to say no. We don’t know how to hear no.
We don’t know what healthy courtship looks like.
And dangerously, we’ve begun to mistake transaction for connection.

This is Not Victim Blaming

Let’s say this upfront:
Nothing justifies murder.
No rejection, no heartbreak, no “being used.”
Violence is a choice. And women are not to blame for the choices of violent men.

But here’s what is worth talking about—honestly:

  • Why does money always appear in the background of these tragedies?

  • Why do people stay in relationships that make them anxious, ashamed, or resentful?

  • Why do we equate financial help with emotional debt?

  • Why do we pursue people we wouldn’t dare introduce to our friends?

Because buried under all the hashtags is a dangerous truth:
We are not honest with ourselves about what we want—and what we’re willing to do to get it.

No More Double Standards: Let’s Stop Playing Each Other

Too many women say “men should stop offering money,” but still accept it.
Too many men say “women should be independent,” but still try to buy their way into relationships.

This is where we need to be brutally honest—on both sides.

Should Men Offer Women Money?

No. Not unless you’re in a committed, mutual relationship.
Not unless it’s freely given, with zero expectation of return—emotional, sexual, or romantic.

Stop using money to test waters.
Stop sending airtime to “build rapport.”
Stop equating cash with courtship.
If you're giving with strings attached, you're not being generous—you're buying leverage.

Should Women Accept Money from Men They Are Not Interested In?

Also no.
If you’re not emotionally available, romantically curious, or sexually interested—don’t take his money.
Not his lunch, his rent, his “just something small.”

You are not a bad person for needing help.
But you are playing with emotional fire when you accept financial support from someone you don’t care for—and you know he likes you.

It’s not about guilt. It’s about clarity.
This is a world where rejection leads to violence. Don't blur the lines.

If You Wouldn’t Date Them With Money, Don’t Date Them Without It

This is the rule no one wants to admit out loud.

If the only reason you’re dating someone is because you’re broke, lonely, or emotionally depleted—you are lying to them and yourself.
And one day, that lie may turn into something destructive.

Ask yourself:

  • If I suddenly got rich today, would I still be with this person?

  • Would I be proud to introduce them to my boss, my parents, my university friends?

  • Do I feel aligned with them—or just grateful they’re here for now?

If the answer is no, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a transaction.
And most transactions end when something “better” comes along.

The Silent Social Pressures No One Talks About

  • Shame: You don’t want your friends to know who you’re dating.

  • Performance: You need to post someone online to prove you’re not lonely.

  • Rescue Fantasy: You’re convinced you can change them.

  • Fear: You think this is the best you’ll ever get.

  • Debt: You feel obligated because they supported you once.

All of these are quiet killers of love—and none of them make a solid foundation for lasting relationships.

They build bitterness. They create resentment. And sometimes, they fuel dangerous jealousy.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Status & Violence: It’s All Connected

People don’t snap for no reason.

Many of the most tragic relationship murders in Kenya were committed by men who:

  • Felt “used”

  • Felt “invisible”

  • Felt “left behind”

  • Felt humiliated when the woman moved on

And instead of sitting with those emotions, they turned them into revenge.

We must say this clearly:
Jealousy is not proof of love. It’s a warning sign.
If someone becomes possessive, controlling, or obsessed when you start doing better—they don’t want a partner. They want a hostage.

How to Say No — With Zero Ambiguity

These are the real-world, unmistakable phrases that don’t leave room for fantasy:

  • “I am not interested in you romantically. That won’t change.”

  • “Please stop sending me money or gifts. I will not accept them.”

  • “Don’t expect anything from me. I am not emotionally available to you.”

It will feel cruel.
But a “nice” lie is how tragedies start. A clear “no” is how they end early—safely.

Why This Matters

Because too many people are dying over imagined relationships.
Because a flirtation someone considered harmless was interpreted as a promise.
Because unspoken expectations—on both sides—are weaponized when reality doesn’t match fantasy.

Final Word 

Don’t give what you can’t lose.
Don’t take what you don’t want to be held accountable for.
And don’t stay quiet when someone is misreading your intentions.

In today’s world, softness will get you misunderstood.
Say it straight. Live another day.

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