Present But Absent: Why We Keep Joining Groups We Never Participate In—And What It’s Costing Us

It starts with a click. A friend forwards a link to a reading group, a chama, a Zoom workshop, a parenting circle. You join. You read a few messages. You mute the group.

You never contribute. Never attend a session. Never show up.

And you're not alone.

Across Kenya—and perhaps globally—we are seeing a strange but widespread cultural habit: joining groups we never participate in. From WhatsApp reading clubs to civic forums to alumni communities, there’s a sea of people who are present but passive. It seems harmless… but it’s not.

This article is a mirror to that quiet behavior—and an invitation to see what it’s really costing us.

1. The Silent Collapse of Collective Action

Kenya has long depended on community-driven efforts: harambees, savings groups, cooperative societies, youth initiatives. But these only work when members participate. When 50 join but only 5 engage, things fall apart.

• Group admins burn out.

• Ideas die.

• Communities disband.

And slowly, we stop believing that anything done together can work.

We don’t just lose momentum—we lose faith in each other.

2. The Death of Civic Participation

This passive group behavior echoes in our national habits:

• We want change but won’t organize.

• We want better leaders but won’t vote.

• We criticize corruption but won’t speak up in community barazas or report abuses.

We’re training ourselves to watch rather than act, to critique from the sidelines instead of co-creating solutions.

This creates a dangerous illusion: “Someone else will do it.”

3. The Illusion of Growth

We join book clubs but never read.
We sign up for skill-sharing forums but never learn.
We enter therapy groups but stay silent.

We want the feeling of growth without the work of growth.

This has created an entire generation that knows a lot but applies very little. We’re surrounded by growth content but untouched by transformation. We look like we’re evolving—but we’re not.

 4. Performative Belonging, Not Real Connection

Why do we join groups we won’t commit to?

Sometimes it’s FOMO. Sometimes guilt. Sometimes a longing to be included.

But often, it’s emotional distance disguised as belonging. We want to be part of something, but not too involved. We fear judgment, confrontation, effort, vulnerability.

So we settle for presence without participation. It’s like showing up at a wedding, refusing to dance, eat, or speak—but wanting to be in the photos.

We forget: True connection requires contribution.

 5. What It’s Costing Us as a Country

This behavior spills into our systems:

Schools: Parents in WhatsApp groups never speak up about outdated syllabuses or poor school management—so fees keep rising, toilets remain broken, and nothing improves.

Workplaces: Teams collapse under the weight of unequal effort—where a few carry the weight while most coast through, waiting for someone else to take initiative.

Policy: Communities that could demand change or challenge injustice remain quiet and fragmented—while flawed decisions pass silently.

In the end, everyone suffers, including the silent.

 6. So Why Do We Do It?

• Fear of judgment: What if my comment is wrong?

• Chronic overcommitment: We’ve joined too many things and stretched ourselves thin.

• Desire for status: We want to be seen in the right groups even if we don’t participate.

• Emotional fatigue: Many are tired, depressed, anxious, disconnected.

• Cultural conditioning: We've normalized being passive observers, not active participants.

 Ask Yourself:

• Why do I join groups?

• Am I truly interested or just afraid of being left out?

• How many of my group memberships are performative?

• What would meaningful participation actually look like?

• What group would benefit most from just one act of presence from me?

What You Can Do Differently:

1. Be honest about your bandwidth. If you can’t contribute, don’t join.

2. Start small. One message of encouragement. One shared resource. One attendance.

3. Redefine value. You don’t need to be perfect—just present and consistent.

4. Exit with dignity. Leaving respectfully is better than ghosting.

5. Choose impact over optics. Be useful, not just visible.

 Rebuilding a Culture of Participation

We don’t need more groups. We need active members.

We don’t need louder complaints. We need constructive contribution.

We don’t need more performative presence. We need meaningful participation.

The future will not be built by spectators. It will be built by those who choose to show up—even when no one claps.